My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
