if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
