u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
