He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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