hotel room ftw
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Randomize
