He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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