Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
