Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
