the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
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I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
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Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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