New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
