Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
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