i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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