If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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