The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just forgot I was standing up.
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