we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
My penis needs a shock collar
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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