Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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