I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I smell stomach acid.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
