Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
