I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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