Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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