and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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