i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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