We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
