I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
