She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
