I hate your face
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
