we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
My ass is underappreciated
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
