I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
