Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
