Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
