I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.