Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
