I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
