I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
