You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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