new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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