Sry I called you an 8
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
