i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
