I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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