You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
