he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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