I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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