If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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