you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
