Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.