why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.