im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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