She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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