just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
