Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
