you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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