I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
