don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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