What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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