Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
