The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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