dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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