I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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