I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize