I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Still dying that you shit outside
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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