If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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