I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
